Why asking a trans person their dead name is unkind

When someone changes their name, it’s often considered polite to ask why. A name change is an important part of someone’s life so it’s important to show interest. It also acts to legitimise the new name, in normal circumstances.

 

A trans person changing their name is not normal circumstances. Trans people spend their lives persuading people that their feelings are genuine. Meanwhile, others identify trans people by the body they’re born with rather than the trans person’s mind: the very thing that is a person’s personality and identity. The thing that makes someone who they are. A trans person works hard to change this perception despite societal rejection.

 

So, asking a trans person what their name was can be both a challenge and a dismissal. It’s like saying, “Sure, but tell me your real name.”

 

Of course, some people are just curious. Some people think asking a trans person their old name is good: it opens a discussion about the trans person and their journey, showing care, acceptance and openness about it. But there are other ways to do that.

 

The trans community call it a ‘dead name’ for a reason. It’s dead. It’s gone. It’s buried. All-in-all, it comes down to one thing: it’s rude and disrespectful to dig up the dead.