Critique: Stardust (Film)

Stormhold is a magical realm separated from England by the Wall.

Dunstan goes to Stormhold and has relations with a woman who claims she’s a kidnapped princess. Nine months later, baby Tristan’s delivered on Dunstan’s doorstep. Fast forward to Tristan being older.

Stormhold’s king says the first of his male descendants to get the necklace becomes king, lamented that Princess Una is missing. The necklace knocks a star out of the sky. Meanwhile, Tristan wants the fallen star for his love interest Victoria, whilst the witches led by Lamia want the star to lengthen their lives.

 

*****SPOILERS*****

 

Good

 

There were a lot of clever details.

Prince Septimus gets Soothsayer to answer easy yes/no questions. Then he asks if the soothsayer works for his brothers and, because Prince Septimus has already seen what the runes look like for yes and no, the soothsayer couldn’t lie. This was really clever.

Lamia transforms a goat into a man called Billy. The actor acts just like a goat, putting on a funny and well-done performance. The fact that billy also had a scruffy goatee was a good detail.

Lamia, to get the attention of Bernard and Billy, goes, “Ah-ah!” This noise has two meanings: one, it’s a goat noise; two, it’s like a parent telling kids off for being distracted.

When a prince bleeds, he has blue blood. As ‘blue blood’ is a term for those born as princes and princesses, this was a clever detail.

When Lamia drops her poppet of Septimus into the water, he starts to drown, arms and legs moving as if treading water, and he floats up in the air like the poppet floats up in the water. So clever.

Captain Shakespear chose that name because it’s his cultural icon whilst his pirates think it’s a spear being shook.

 

Captain Shakespear wears a dress and feather boa as he dances around.

Once the captain’s cover is blown but one of his crew said, “We always knew you were a whoopsie.” That’s the most whimsical derogatory name for a camp guy I’ve ever heard.

‘Whoopsie’ implies something wrong, so calling the captain a whoopsie is calling the captain wrong. Yet despite a pirate declaring the captain’s existence as wrong, ‘whoopsie’ sounds fun and friendly.

 

The actors themselves did excellent jobs.

Dish Water Sal catches Tristain. Yvaine tries to touch the witch but she can’t, owing to the fact Lamia curses Sal to not be able to see or touch the star. As she struggles, Yvaine’s arms are straight down and her torso is leaning at an odd angle, creating a brilliant visual effect.

When Septimus’ corpse was fighting, the positions and movements of his body, particularly his head, made him look dead. This was a good feat of the actor.

The pirate fighting with two swords was spectacular. There aren’t many physical altercations in the film so it’s a surprise (albeit nice) to see any thought-through fight choreography.

 

There were plenty of good visuals.

At the bizarre, there were many bizarre things, including a miniature elephant with a head at both ends.

The actor they got for Tristain looks just like his dad’s younger self. Great casting choice.

With the camera above, Prince Septimus throws runes into the air. The whole shot is taken up by the runes. Then once the runes start to come down, it shows Lamia catching them in her hand. Lovely transition.

 

Tristan, being Princess Una’s son and hence the last living male heir, gets the necklace and becomes king.

Tristan and Yvaine rule for 80 years, “for no man can live for eighty years, unless they possess the heart of a star, and Evaine had given hers to Tristan completely… they still live happily ever after.”

All throughout the film, the witches try to possess the heart of the star, but Tristan ends up doing it instead yet in a completely different way. Also, the ‘still live’ rather than ‘lived’ happily ever after was a beautiful touch.

 

 

 

Funny

 

The princes provide much entertainment.

The king asked one prince to look out the window, then he nods at another son who pushes the first off the balcony. Then another prince goes over to push the pusher!

The bishop and the three remaining princes drinks with all but one prince dying from poison. But then Prince Septimus gets up, having just pretended to die for fun.

When Septimus’ ghost joins those of his brothers, one says, “Now we have to live with each other.” ‘Live’ is a funny choice when referring to ghosts!

Stormhold’s princes slowly kill each other off; the ghosts follow the living around. They look exactly like they did at the moment of their death: axe in head; head squashed by landing on it; naked with a slit throat. The concept is fun, but the smushed face had me laughing.

 

The witches were my favourite source of amusement. Lamia asking, “Is your mind as decrepit as you face?” was fantastic.

The witch Lamia eats the last remnants of the star she has so that she’s young enough to go after the new one. Every time Lamia does some magic, she ages a little bit. When Lamia did a spell to fix the aging on her face, her breasts went saggy instead!

Young Bernard, after being transformed into a girl, keeps on getting distracted by his new boobs.

 

Tristan always ends up in funny situations.

Despite seeing that the fallen star looks and acts just like a human, he still ensnares it with enchanted chain to drag back to Victoria. If this complete disregard for life and sapient freedom wasn’t funny enough, the star declares, “Nothing says romance than a kidnapped, injured woman.”

Tristan asks the barmaid her name and she replies, “Bernard” in a really low voice. Even though the audience knows Bernard is a guy, seeing Tristan’s shock is very entertaining.

To cross the gap in the Wall, Tristan tries the same distracting techniques as his father. Wall Guard was having none of it and, despite being ancient, does crazy acrobatics to block the way. The unexpectedness made it funny.

 

Tristan and Yvaine’s trip aboard the pirate ship was full of laughs.

            Captain Shakespear has a limp wrist, gives them make-overs, and says things like, “Have you ever tried washing blood out of a silk shirt? Nightmare.” For a cut-throat pirate to be camp is presented as a funny dichotomy. The humour comes from the shock/surprise, rather than the camp things themselves being funny.

When Captain Shakespear cuts Tristan’s hair, it somehow ends up longer. As it was clearly not a continuity area, its unexpectedness gave me a laugh.

Captain Shakespear tells Tristan, “Don’t wear the wench out!” It’s an awful thing to say but still delightfully funny.

 

 

Bad

 

Some things just didn’t make any sense.

At the end of the prologue part, the narrator says, ‘The man returned home, hoping to forget his adventure.’ Um, why? Dustan seemed to enjoy the experience and had sex, so it’s not like it was a bad day at the office.

The stars tell Tristan the Yvaine is walking into a trap. Why didn’t the stars just tell Yvaine? Yes, Tristain first hears the stars in his dreams, but they carry on talking to him whilst wide awake. Surely if the stars can talk to a wakeful human then they could just as easily talk to a wakeful star?

When Septimus dies, he drops. The poppet no doubt still floats. This only makes sense if the connection to Septimus and the poppet ended. Yet if this were the case, Lamia wouldn’t be able to control Septimus’ corpse for a swordfight.

 

Some things were outright failures.

Gervais’ improv is absolutely awful. It didn’t fit the character’s personality but rather the actor’s personality. It wasn’t even funny, so why was it included? All other humour in the film felt easy and natural, so why they included a forced, strained bit of failed humour I don’t know.

The first time Lamia ages after doing magic, her hand becomes wrinkly and liver-spotted. Yet when the camera zooms out to her entire body, Lamia’s hand looks completely normal! Maybe the film creators thought it was such a tiny detail that maintaining continuity was a waste of time and/or money. Or maybe they just forgot.

The prates collect lightning. Considering we only ever see candles and torches (made of fire), it does make me wonder what the lightning is used for. Yes, Tristan uses it as a weapon, but surely this can’t be the only use, otherwise the royals would be using it. As this was never explored, it is a clear failing.

The stout witch runs and jumps down several stories, so we’d expect her to be menacing.  So when she’s killed by animals, it’s an anticlimax and goes against expectations. Going against expectations is a source of humour for this film often, yet in this case it didn’t deliver. The witch could have fought back and she had plenty of time to run away, so for her to do neither ruins the whole scenario.

 

 

Queries

 

The Wall has a gap with a guard. It’s very short and long, so why not jump over it out of Wall Guard’s sight? Perhaps magic prevents this. (Tristain used the Babylon candle in England, not Stormhold, so we know magic can work in England.)

 

Tristan says that Wall is to the north, so they should go north. But he’s north of the Wall, so surely the Wall would be to the south of him? Or maybe it was to the south when he was in the village Wall and hence he’s now saying its north because he’s accounted for that change in direction?

 

In order for Yvaine to shine brighter (and hence give Lamia a longer life), the witch lets her go ‘free’. However, such progress should’ve been lost when Lamia explains everything to Yvaine and Tristan because there was plenty of time for Yvaine to get scared again, and hence dim her shine. Perhaps a scared fixed heart will always be brighter than a scared broken heart?

 

 

Stardust is a film that always makes me laugh. All the problems and queries I’ve had about this film only cropped up during this viewing: the film’s so good that the defects aren’t out in the open. (Apart from the improv debacle.) It’s full of fun and is pleasantly bonkers at times. It’s also clear that the actors enjoyed themselves which, as a viewer, makes the experience far more satisfying.