Why asking 'When will you have kids?' is bad

This assumes that someone is able to have children and even wants children in the first place. It ignores what the possible child needs in place of what adults want.

Needs of a Child

If nothing else, a child should feel wanted. 

     Anything less than this is thoughtless and cruel. So having a child when you don't want a child means you are choosing to make an innocent kid feel unwanted. 

     Children will pick up on it. Their sense of self-worth will deteriarate and cause lifelong issues. Either they feel worthless and miserable and hide themselves away all their life. Or they inflate their ego to compensate for this lack.

     The willing choice to create a child despite all this is awful.

Bringing new life into the world is a huge responsibility. 

     You shouldn't take on any responsibility unless you think you are able to do it, if you want to do it and if you need to do it. To agree to something when you know you can't fulfil these criteria is irresponsible. 

     The more important the responsibility, the more important these criteria are. What could be more important than looking after new life? 

     Kids will always be born so no-one needs to do it, especially if they don't want to do so. Thus this criteria isn't a justification to ignore the other two.

Wanting Children

Society, parents, siblings, friends, foworkers... everyone expects everyone else to want kids. 

     But some people just don't want children. Anyone 'abnormal' enough to be on Team No Kids often has to justify this decision as if that personal decision is everyone's business. 

     Then once an explanation's been forced out, people will say something like, "You'll think differently one day." Saying something like that shows they haven't bothered to listen to the answer they've forced someone to say!

     Yes, many people don't want the child yet fall in love once it's in their arms. But just because this happens to many doesn't mean it will happen to all. So saying 'you may not want it now but when you have it you will', it's a big risk. That's a childs life you're gambling with.

Having a child despite not wanting one risks the parent feeling resentment towards it. 

     This results in indifference and negligence through to cruelty and abuse. That's not a good environment for the child (or the adult, but obviously the child's wellbeing is more important). 

     Hence no-one should plan for a child unless they truly want one for themselves, not because others want them to have one.

Is it selfish not to have children?

Others say it's selfish to not have kids. 

     But all justifications for this view involve how it makes someone else feel. They're forcing you to do something you don't want for their own benefit. Surely that's what's selfish? 

     One such explanation for its supposed-selfishness is that your parents want grandkids. How is your parents wanting grandkids more important than you not wanting kids? You're the one that has to live with and raise the child so your wants are definitely more important.

     

Another explanation as to why it's 'selfish' is that you need kids so that there's someone to look after you in your old age. 

     But if you have kids, it doesn't guarantee that they will look after you; then their creation is essentially meaningless which is horrible. If your kids don't look after you, paid carers do it instead; giving someone the opportunity to have a career isn't selfish. 

     This I say to those that make this argument. "So, you want to have kids in order to force those kids to look after you? You are creating your own personal workforce that you guilt-trip into taking on a specialised caring role whilst they're working and most likely raising their own children? That's what sounds selfish."

     If this is reason someone has kids, it's a selfish reason to have kids. It's not an explanation of why it's selfish not to have kids.

Fertility Issues

Imagine that the couple has fertility issues (either one or both members). 

     Every time they're asked for kids, they're reminded of these issues. This can make them feel sad and worthless, pointless and broken. 

     People often feel resentment towards an infertile partner, sometimes even regretting dating them. This happens even if both are infertile! 

     None of these emotions are ideal. This is the main reason why no-one should ask a couple when/if they're having kids. It's a recipe for heartbreak.

Yes, telling people stops these questions.

     But then people will mention IVF, adoption, fostering etc. As if the couple doesn't already know this! Sure, it comes from a place of love and reassurance. 

     But you're allowed to grieve one thing before finding a solution to it. You're allowed to be sad about something even when you know there are viable alternatives. For someone's first response to be about other possubilities dismisses the hurt and sense of failure infertile people experience. 

     Though some think these options don't make 'real' kids, that they aren't truly yours. Parents go through so much effort to get them so having these kids dismissed, to be made to seem lesser, is heartbreaking. Especially when that's their only path to parenthood. No wonder people can be put off this route. 

Also, fertility is a health matter: medical information is legally confidential. If people keep asking about kids, it can make you feel obligated to share. 

     Plus you anticipate the emotions others will feel: pity, disappointment, bereavement, anger. It's not nice to receive these, so the anticipation can lead to anxiety and dread. 

     But then what if they feel none of this, like it doesn't even matter? That would probably hurt most of all.

Final Thoughts

If people want babies, they will talk about babies. A lot. So it's really easy to know if it's a safe topic. 

     But so much can go wrong along the way that it should only be approached with care, not expectations. At the end of the day, it's no-one's business so no-one should feel entitled enough to bring it up about anyone but themselves. 

     That's why asking 'When will you have kids?' is bad.This assumes that someone is able to have children and even wants children in the first place. It ignores what the possible child needs in place of what adults want.