Critique: The Magicians (TV)

Quentin gets into Brakebills, a school that teaches magic. Eventually they go to Filory, a world from the novels Quentin was once obsessed with. He meets fellow first-years Alice, Penny and Kady, and other magicians like Margo (my favourite), Eliot and Tod. Quentin’s best friend Julia doesn’t get into Brakebills but she succeeds anyway.

 

*****SPOILERS*****

 

It felt more like a comedy show with magic than a magic show with comedy.

The Neitherland librarian broke their emotion bottles and Margo screamed, ‘I planned my entire outfit around that bottle!’ It was this line that made me want to critique this series.

When Penny has no hands, Margo says, ‘You’re wiping your own ass so figure that out.’

The centaur doctor walks behind a sheet and we see the shadow of his penis.

In Quentin’s dream, Penny has an Indian accent and says chicken curry is his favourite dish. So the real Penny (who can enter people’s minds and hence their dreams) calls Quentin out for being racist. The whole exchange is hilarious. Also it’s refreshing when the main character makes a major mistake without being an antihero.

Quentin says, ‘Let’s go hunt the White Lady’ (in order to grant a wish). Then Penny says, ‘People like me get shot for saying shit like that’.

When Filorians try to depose Eliot, he brushes it off as being ‘so French’.

A rabbit screams, ‘PREGNANT!’ in such a deep voice. It was so unexpected it forced a laugh out of me. From that point onwards, I giggled every time I saw a rabbit and brayed like a donkey when they spoke.

Margo says, “Don’t cock out on me. I’d say ‘pussy’ but we both know which is tougher.”

Fae starts dating a bear (an actual bear) and Eliot says to here, “I’ll say what I wish my dad said to me. I’m so happy you’re dating a bear.”

A book needs blood so they can read it. So Margo puts a tampon in it, naturally.

“When they explore it’s not good for morale but it helps with the over enrolment.” There’s always a silver lining… one you get past the skin lining.

Alice said, “My dad always said they [the Lunatics, followers of the moon] were batshit crazy. He married my mom so he had a high bar for mental instability.”

Ember says, “The dead contaminate everything like a pickle on a sandwich.”

Eliot points out that destroying planets is counter-productive to which Ember replies, “Only if you care about peasants. Which I do not.”

The World Seed needs to be kept in a hot, moist environment. Fen gets the seed but we don’t see her carrying it. Why? It’s in her vagina.

Father Christmas saying, “Hohoho, motherfuckers” was the best early Christmas present of all time.

 

 

Problems

 

The amount of problems was truly upsetting. I think this is the downside of American-styled programmes, where there are lots of writers. Without one person to keep track of everything, consistency falls apart because everyone has slightly different interpretations. Plus the competitive nature of getting your idea heard over the other writers can’t help matters.

When Quentin first entered the school’s ground on entrance exam day, Eliot was waiting for him. But no one else waited for any other potential students. Why?

Whenever they say ‘Filorian’, it sounds like they’re saying ‘Florian’. I didn’t realise what they were actually saying until I read up on the books.

Quentin and his best friend Julia have a massive fight at the start of season one. It seemed completely out of proportion for two reasons. One, they’re best friends, so why are they assuming the worst in each other? Two, there was no build-up: they just jumped in at the deep end.

Eliot feels betrayed when his wife Fen reveals that she was part of the FU Fighters and that the guy who just tried to kill Eliot was her ex-lover. Being offended and hurt I’d understand but betrayed is another kettle of fish. Also Eliot’s had past lovers so why isn’t Fen allowed them.

Eliot makes another body so he can be in Filory and Earth at the same time. Then we find out Eliot can’t use his penis if one of his bodies dies. But why? That’s so random. Why not all body parts?

Even though magic is gone for all humans, Penny is still capable of travelling (i.e. teleporting).

The Fairy Queen has one of Margo’s eyes so she sees all of Margo’s plans. Yet from about episode five, Margo plots and the fairies had no idea. Like scraping the walls with the material that can be used to hurt fairies, or stealing fairy eggs

The Fairy Queen is surprised at Eliot and Margo holding fairy eggs hostage. Really? You’ve been controlling and threatening Margo and Filory so of course they’d take action! Considering fairies are transactional, the Fairy Queen must have realised she’d get something in return.

Quinton had a son in an alternate timeline in the past. Yet at no point does Quinton think to go looking for his son or other descendants. Neither do the descendants think to look for Quinton when Quinton became king? Or when Eliot became king because Eliot was like their third parent? Sure, it was an alternate time line, but Margo got a letter from Quinton and Eliot from the alternate timeline, so if the letter existed then surely the descendants should, too?

Josh becomes one of the main characters? Really? Why him? If anyone should have taken a slot as another main character (when there are already so many), then Todd would make more sense.

Many times, it’s mentioned that Filorians were illiterate. Then how could they read the campaign posters, or vote for that matter?

Josh becomes a human again and he says yes to wearing a towel in front of Margo, his girlfriend, who’d already seen him naked. Yet Josh was more than happy to walk around naked in front of Eliot and the entire Filory Court?

Margo sends bees into the past to warn Josh and Fen they’ll be killed by the Dark King. But Josh dies anyway because he’s allergic to bees. Whilst this is hilarious, if the bees were clever enough to talk, surely they’d be clever enough not to sting people, especially knowing the bees themselves would die in the process. Maybe these bees had issues? Considering all the other characters in this programme, this wouldn’t surprise me.

Eliot sent a letter to make Josh and Fen come forward three hundred years. (The process they went through to do this made complete sense.) The pair brough the government with them, too. Surely the entire government leaving would leave Filorians bitter and betrayed, a feeling that would expand over time and make the new Filorians disinclined towards the government?

Josh hides the key behind a loose stone in the prison before coming to the future. Yet we know they could take things with them (they came clothed, after all) and someone could have found the key in the prison, thus the characters would have lost a vital item forever.

Dean Fogg 17 tries to steal Brakebills and Julia surprised Timeline 17 wasn’t reset. But if she thought the timeline disappears, then how could you have Penny 27? Didn’t you go to Timeline 27?

Alice and Julia agree to help someone if they give her a shade. This isn’t mentioned for a few episodes and Alice and Julia act normally, as if they still have their shades.

Magic’s gone to whack because the moon is pissed that she was moved. But the ritual they did was to ask her to move and her aura went green, meaning she was receptive to the request. Yet no one wonders why the moon changed her mind.

The TV that was used for whale-human communication showed humpback whales and pilot whales. Yet pilot whales are actually dolphins (it’s the same deal as orcas).

They need the new world to have a Wellspring so that everywhere can have magic. But magic existed before Fillory, i.e. before there was a Wellspring. Also, the group activated the World Seed after Fillory was destroyed, meaning after the Wellspring (and hence magic) was destroyed. Yet they needed magic to activate the World Seed: how can use magic when magic was destroyed?

 

 

Other Good Shit

 

Despite the problems, there were so many good elements that kept you coming back for more.

Someone is set to get the powers of the Fiolrian god Ember. Quentin has always been obsessed with Filory forever so the audience assumes it will be him. If not, surely it would be Eliot who is the new high king? No, it ends up being Alice who was already the best magician of the lot.

They encounter the Cock of the Wood. Hilarious. But then he unfurled his tail like a peacock and I was mesmerised.

The prow of the ship had an entire antelope skeleton on it.

A scene from Harriette’s perspective, with the audience being def like her, was really clever.

It turns out Harriette is the librarian’s child. This explains the librarian’s trademark walk of hands up and out: so she’s ready to use sign language all the time.

We learn that magicians hunted fairies near extinction on Earth so they fled to Fillory. Julia said, “I had no idea,” to which the Fairy Queen replied, “Short memories are the privilege in the oppressor.” That’s such a powerful line.

Alice is split into two distinct individuals: her timid self and her arrogant self. They are both, naturally, so different, and without both in the same body, neither’s tendencies are reduced by the other’s. Still, it’s a wonder how they ever made a coherent, consistent whole. But they did: much to the writers’ credit.

After Quentin died, his hairstyle was taken up by Eliot. A nice tribute.

The show doesn’t feel empty without Quentin. Removing him from the cast could have easily left a gaping hole in the show, considering he’s the main-est of the main characters, but the writers managed this really well. To choose to remove Quentin was a bold move that this time paid off.

 

Conclusion

The animation for the magic and the magical creatures was well-executed. With so many episodes per series, I’m surprised they had the budget to fund the animation.

Each season has very different plot lines but they follow each other smoothly. Hence nothing feels disjointed.

The dialogue is always good and there is joke after joke after joke, almost like the writers made it their personal mission to make everyone’s days a little brighter, a little more joyful.

 

Critique: Hello, Dolly (Film)

In this hilarious musical, Dolly (a widowed, very successful businesswoman) works to get three romances up and running. There’s Mr Vandergelder, a business man, Barnaby and Cornelius, his workers, milliner Irene Maloy and her assistant Millie.

 

*****SPOILERS*****

 

Plot

 

Mr Vandergelder and Irene are engaged. Dolly convinces Cornelius and Barnaby to go to the miliner’s shop in an effort to get Barnaby with the assistant and Cornelius with Irene. So with Mr Vandergelder no longer engaged to Irene, that leaves him free for Dolly.

The film starts with making Dolly appear to be a well-meaning busybody rather than scheming to get who and what she wants. She does seem to genuinely care about the other characters’ happiness.

The film culminates in the restaurant Harmonia Gardens. As a visual and plot point, it’s spectacular.

 

 

Funny Dolly

 

Dolly is such a brilliant character. She’s sensitive and a complete hoot. She is one of my all-time favourite fictional characters. This is despite the fact that she never stops talking (a trait that usually annoys me to no end).

            Dolly keeps on raising her arm then flapping her fingers up and down which for me was her trademark in the film.

            Dolly says she wants to see Mr Vandergelder’s money circulate. He almost faints! Fantastic.

            Her relationship with Mr Vandergelder is particularly amusing. Dolly says, ‘You’ll go your way,’ pointing right, ‘and I’ll go mine,’ pointing right again.

Then she decides, ‘There’s no use arguing. I’ve made up your mind.’ She’s told Vandergelder that she’s made his mind. Brilliant.

Finally, Dolly keeps on singing, ‘Goodbye’ in different ways, often interrupting Vandergelder’s attempt to start up the convocation. All of which makes Vandergelder want to stay. Absolutely hilarious.

She pretends to read someone’s hands and she babbles quickly, ‘Oh, my. Lord in Heaven. Goodness gracious. I can’t believe it.’ These are all things that individually could be (and are) said in that situation. But to say them all at once does ridicule the idea of palm reading. It was funny for her to take the mickey. Although I really don’t know if this was the actual intention or just my interpretation of the situation.

 

 

Characters

 

The main characters all had bundles of charm.

Irene Maloy is so hilarious. She hates the women that come to buy her hats, even though it’s her job to sell hats. Plus she says, ‘I’m sick of people thinking I’m a wicked woman with nothing to show for it.’

Millie gets something from the cupboard, closes it, walks away, and only then screams that’s there’s a man in the cupboard.

‘You know nothing about women.’ Barnaby replies, ‘Only that we can’t afford them.’

Cornelius and Barnaby’s tailoring makes them look like they have legs for days.

A horse starts to nibble Cornelius’ face and the man just continues to sing. Blimey. That must have took perseverance. Plus his face was so expressive. The actor is definitely one of the best.

Barnaby was like a gymnast, such as repeatedly jumping over a moving bike.As Mr Vadnergelder strides to milliner shop, Barnaby slides under the table to hide. The slide was so dramatic it was perfect. I wonder how many takes that took?

 

 

Mr Vandergelder

 

Mr Vandergelder was an interesting character.

            He often says funny things. He says things so deadpan that one can’t help but laugh. One example is that ‘all facts’ about Dolly were insults. He says that ‘Weeping is a waste of water’.

            Dolly comes up to Vandergelder during the parade and he complains he came there for privacy. Considering there’s a heaving crowd and seven hundred men in his section alone, his idea of privacy is amusing.

I don’t know why they cast someone who couldn’t sing. Someone’s acting skills would have to be really impressive to make up for a lack of singing skills when performing in a musical. Mr Vandergelder’s actor wasn’t successful in the endeavour.

Visuals

The cinematography was fantastic. Dolly’s hats, for example, were simply THE best. I want a fair few of them myself!

            At one point there were spreading ribbons which made a flowing American flag. That was a brilliant idea and piece of camerawork. I wouldn’t mind seeing the UK flag done like this in another film.

            This next one isn’t really part of a critique. But there were ten or so brown shire horses. Never in my life have I seen a non-black shire horse (sparing a few white markings, like the centre face and socks). And I’ve seen hundreds of different shire horses. So seeing so many unusual coloured ones was a bit of a shock.

There were ten or so brown shirt horses. Never seen a non-black shire horse before.

 

 

Sweet Things

 

There were two truly sweet romantic moments. Neither was overboard or sickly yet both packed a punch.

            The first one was when a guy said that, ‘She’d be better with a veil.’ Not only is he affirming how beautiful he thinks she is but he’s affirming that he wants to be with her for the duration of his life.

Dolly tells a picture of her dead husband that ‘I’ve decided to join the human race again and I want you to give me away.’ This one hits harder. Wanting your dead husband to give you away, thinking that he’d approve of, and encourage, your life path, was more moving than I expected.

The first part seems to suggest that someone isn’t part of the human race unless their dating or with someone; this annoys me because people assume everyone wants love and this simply isn’t the case. But then I thought maybe Dolly means being open to any emotions at all.

 

 

Weird, Funny Things

 

There were a fair few things that were simply ridiculous and unrealistic. However, it was a comedy so I think this is acceptable, however much my logical brain dislikes them. The other half of my brain just found them so funny! Such as Barnaby, Cornelius, Irene and Millie prancing down the street with their bodies held in ridiculous positions.

            The waiters dancing was extravagant. One throws a bunch of glasses into the air and two catch them. How many glasses did they break trying that trick out?

            There was a random firepole at Harmonia Gardens which is a fancy restaurant. I could imagine a firepole at a sleezy bar but not somewhere sophisticated!

Then at this same restaurant, someone orders a duck so the waiter sets one free then shoots it out of the sky. Do waiters usually have perfect shots?! And to shoot somewhere indoors and where patrons would expect no commotions?

A couple of times, Dolly gives someone her business card which has on it a description of what they were just talking about. Such as when finding out Ambrose couldn’t dance (his excuse was that he’s an artist), her card read, ‘Painters taught to dance.’ Either she has incredible foresight or magic. Either way, the shock value added to the humour.

When Irene and Cornelius decide to quit work for the day to enjoy each other’s company, they just throw a scarf and feathers on the floor. Admittedly this wouldn’t physically damage the material (maybe bend a feather ever so slightly) but the items could easily get dirty. Both would be too fragile to clean properly so that would be a waste of Irene’s time and resources which impacts her livelihood. Not to mention it means Cornelius is showing disrespect. Yet as a visual moment it’s entertaining.

 

 

Thought-provoking Lines

 

For a musical comedy, I didn’t expect to have moments that would make me pause to think. For these things to be related to money is another surprise.

            Mr Vandergelder says he’s friendless, mean and rich. ‘In America, that’s as far as you can go.’ That’s such a sad state of affairs, where success in money is deemed more important than success in friendship. It’s even sadder because, to the outside world, this is how America still appears to this day.

Dolly says, ‘Money is like manure: it’s worth nothing unless it’s spread around to encourage young things to grow.’ That is such a good analogy and so important to remember. Instead of hoarding money (something that does the hoarder no good), money can be spread around so others benefit. How can you be a patriot yet willingly watch your fellow citizens struggle?

 

 

‘Hello, Dolly!’ Song

 

This song is the song of the musical. The musical’s even named after this song. So it must be a brilliant show-stopper? No. It was such a disappointment, especially when the rest of the film was simply glorious.

            Both the lyrics and the dancing was very repetitive. If it was just the dancing or just the lyrics being recycled, it would have been bearable. But for both it was too much, especially when the song goes on for eight minutes.

In it she sings, ‘Here’s my hat’ even though she’s not even wearing a hat! Whoever was in charge of the wardrobe really dropped the ball.

 

 

Changed Times

 

The attitudes in this film fit the times of when it was made which was a bit jarring to hear. Realism, however, is a plus: realism doesn’t equal agreement. What it does is immerse the audience into the experience.

Vandergelder wants a fragile, dainty woman for housework.

The train only cost forty cents! Dinner was only thirty cents! Inflation is an incredible thing.

In this film, I learnt that people thought milliners were wicked women. I wonder how that came to be?

When Vandergelder finds out men are hiding in the milliner shop, he gets grumpy and says he won’t bother Irene again. That seems like a massive overreaction considering you were prepared to marry her.

 

 

Final Thoughts

 

This film was something special.

Ambrose and his partner, Vandergelder’s niece, seemed like an irrelevant part of the story. They could have been cut without ill-effect. The only loss to the film would have been Dolly’s business card to Ambrose (which will be talked about later) but something similar could have been shifted onto another character easily.

At the end there is a mash-up of different songs for the musical. They blended seamlessly together which shows brilliant talent on the part of the songwriters. For this alone, the film is worthy of so much praise.

All-in-all, this is probably my favourite musical. This is saying a lot, considering it’s theme song was awful. But this just goes to show how amazing everything else was to overcome this.

 

Critique: Megaboa (Film)

Doctor Malone and a bunch of university students go into a rainforest and are terrorised by the ‘megaboa’, an unknown species. Dr Malone gets bitten and they have to wait for rescue.

 

*****SPOILERS*****

 

As the megaboa is the main attraction, one would have thought its creation would have been perfected. Not so.

The snake moved far too fast. Sure some snakes and slither fast but that’s usually seen in the desert winders: the megaboa’s form of locomotion could never reach those speeds.

We have an arial shot of the tree branches moving in big motions, with the implications that it’s caused by the megaboa. Yet when we saw the snake in the trees from below, the branches don’t move at all. Why the inconsistency. To be honest, I’m not even sure the megaboa was big enough to move the branches at all.

When they use a tranquiliser on the megaboa, only its neck goes floppy. The rest of the body stays in the tree. Either it’s all stiff or it’s all floppy.

The size (length and thickness) of the megaboa was so inconsistent. It’s much smaller in the trees and even when its on the ground it never looks the same size twice.

When the megaboa sheds its skin in the sulphur pool, it does it really quickly. This isn’t feasible. Nor is the fact that it’s still alive. Its skin was now bright red. Snakes don’t really change colour when they shed their skin. Maybe I can be optimistic and say the sulphur caused the wounded colouration?

 

Doctor Malone was a problematic character. The acting wasn’t great. Neither were the dialogue or his thinking process.

When Doctor Malone is bitten by a spider, he says, “Wa-ow, wa-ow.” No one would make that sound at all.

Dr Malone asks for a student to help him up and all she does is hold his hand. She doesn’t pull him up or really stabilise him when he did it himself.

Dr Malone compares burning of spider bite to drug withdrawal. That’s an interesting comparison.

The drone student spent a lot of time making a walking stick for the doctor. Yet when they go for a walk, they leave it behind, even though he’s struggling to walk. Why bother making him a walking stick if it’s not going to be used? Especially as he testing it and said it was good.

When Dr Malone shouts, “It’s alive! It’s alive!” it sounded so staged.

 

The behaviour of other characters was likewise suspect.

The students call Rita to organise their evacuation. Every person she calls hangs up on her mid sentence. This was mass rudeness. So for this reason it was unbelievable.

The team don’t have any antibodies or antihistamines. They’re a doctor and a bunch of clever students. They’ve gone into a rainforest, a place of venom, poison and disease. How did no one think to bring antibodies or antihistamines with them? How did the trip organisers not think to pack them? This is basic health and safety, not to mention common sense.

 

Acting and dialogue were areas the film could have improved on.

Jason’s dialogue was so cringy.

The first guy who gets caught by the megaboa throws his head around like he’s having some kind of fit. It was truly awful acting.

Grace’s scream at the massive spider was really pathetic. Bad acting, bad directing, or both?

As she’s flamethrowing the small snakes, the military lady screams, “Go back to whatever circle of Hell you came from. Die!” Firstly, that’s overkill. (Particularly shouting ‘Die’ at the end.) Secondly, they’re small, regular snakes, not massive ones, so they’re not unnatural enough to come from Hell.

 

This is a great example of how not to make a film. So in that regards it would be useful for people who want to get into the film industry. But for me it had no value. There were cave paintings of tribal people killing megaboas. This was a really nice touch. In fact, it was the only descent touch. The plot had so much potential but every area of the film let it down.

 

Critique: Artemis Fowl (Film)

This was a fun film, a good way to spend an afternoon.

 

*****SPOILERS*****

 

I’ll start with the good bits first.

The phrases that the mythical creatures use were fun. Especially when they’re clever takes on swear words. ‘Get the four leaf clover out of here’ was my absolute favourite.

There were other funny comments. “Most people are afraid of gluten. How would they handle goblins?” Too funny.

The world building of having a parallel universe of high tech mythical creatures underground was fascinating. People mostly think you can only have magic or technology, never both, but to have them coexist is interesting. (I know this is down to the author of the books but it made it a good choice for a film adaptation.)

The mythological creatures come from Celtic, Greek and Scandinavian sources but they all have an Irish vibe to them. That’s fine. It does make me wonder: Artemis is unusually clever. The Salmon of Knowledge is a creature of Celtic myth whereby the eater knows everything. Could Artemis have ingested the Salmon by any chance?

 

At the end of the film, Artemis tells the antagonist that he’s coming for her. But why would you give them the heads up? Yes it leads nicely into a sequel but that’s hardly an excuse for a very clever child to do something so stupid.

 

I didn’t like the centaur whinnying. Having a centaur whinny is fine. The problem I had was that the centaur didn’t whinny at appropriate times. It’s almost like the creators thought ‘a centaur should whinny’ and then shoehorned this concept into the script. It was an uncomfortable fit.

 

All the men in the Fowl family are named Artemis. Artemis is the name of a Greek goddess. I’m all for gender neutral names but it’s not practical in this instance. This naming tradition has obviously been done for a long time, long before people would even consider calling their boys after such a feminine figure. So this tradition isn’t feasible.

 

The niece of Artemis’ bodyguard was brought into the film. Her character was kind of pointless. If she wasn’t in the film, I honestly don’t think I would have noticed the difference in regards to plot and character development. Maybe she has an important role in later adaptations and it makes sense to introduce her to the audience now. Still, if this was the case, more effort should have been spent on making her a useful character. It’s a shame because the actress did a good job.

 

Like I said at the start, this film was a good way to spend the afternoon. I just wish the creators spent more afternoons ironing out the kinks.