The Problem with ‘but not all men’ (the view of a man)

We all know this conversation by now: someone mentions that men commit sexual assault (or worse) and then someone else replies: “But not all men.”

Did anyone say ‘all men’? No. If someone meant ‘all men’ then they would have said ‘all men’. That’s why we have the world ‘all’ in our language. To make a general observation is not to make specific observations: by nature, a generalist claim allows for specific claims to coexist whilst acknowledging that there is a majority fact. Thus pointing out a specific cannot contradict the general.

There are plenty examples of this in daily life. People may dislike cats but they’ll gladly look after their friend’s cat. Most kids hate school but they have a favourite teacher/subject and enjoy the time they can spend with their friends. I can’t stand potato but potato waffles or a good, creamy mash are some of my favourite food.

Disliking potatoes is my general claim but liking mash/waffles are specific claims. Men are the main perpetrators of sexual assault (an undisputable fact) yet all can be glad that there are specific examples showing otherwise.

What baffles me most is that people feel the need to say, “Not all men” when someone else opens up about being raped. How is pointing out that you’re a good person more important than someone else opening up about a devastating event? Besides, these conversations aren’t accusations. If your first response to police is “It wasn’t me” when they made no accusation against you, they will then be suspicious. If someone feels safe enough to open up then respect them by not shutting them down. Emotional intelligence is the best way forward.

UK vs. USA: Restaurant Tips

The UK and USA have utterly different attitudes towards tipping restaurant staff.

It highlights the blatant divergences between the two nations even when people assume they are the same.

In the UK, servers are paid a wage they can live on. This means tips are a reward for good service rather than an obligation, showing the server how much they were appreciated (especially when a large tip is provided). A family might have enough money to treat their kids to a meal out but not enough to provide a tip. Even withholding a £2 tip can buy your children their fruit for the week so being free to not pay a tip can make a major difference.

However, in the USA, servers need tips to survive, making tips not just an expectation but an obligation. It causes issues when a tip’s not given, even when the service provided is poor.

So customers have to not only pay for the product but also the employees’ wages. I’m not the employer so it shouldn’t be my responsibility to pay the employees. This happens in no other industry. Whether you buy a shirt, go to the gym or have a window fitted, the price is for both service and pay package.

Why an employer wouldn’t pay their employees a decent wage is beyond me. If you give them enough money to live, they’ll be more willing to work for you which will promote more productivity.

Further, if your employees need a second job to survive, they’ll be less available and have less energy to work for you. This will make them more tired, less productive and more prone to mistakes. Plus you’ll have to put more people on your payroll to fill in the gaps. It would be cheaper to pay fewer people decently rather than more people improperly.

To be clear, I’m not against tipping: I’m against it being a necessity when it doesn’t need to be.

UK vs. USA: Handshake

Of all the thoughts and behaviours that difference the UK and the USA*, the most startling to me is the least consequential: the handshake.

In the UK, two people use one hand each to give one shake, that being pumping the hands down then up once. In the US, the free hand grasps the other person’s elbow and then they shake each other’s arms for a while.

So in the UK it’s a ‘one hand, one shake’ and in the USA it’s ‘arm shakes’.

When I go in for a handshake but end up having my elbow grabbed and arm jiggled, it takes me off-guard each time. Not only is your personal space occupied without invitation but you feel awkward because the contact is lasting longer than expected. If that’s the way the culture’s taken it then that’s fine but it’s always been a puzzling ritual to watch or participate in.

* It would be amiss for me to imply either nation is homogenous in thoughts or behaviours. Yet there is a sense of cultural unity (a desire for independence, like in Scotland and California, is less about a lack of similarities and more about a stark difference in priorities). The UK and USA are like two nuclear families that are cousins to one another and the differences within each family/nation are like the different children.